On Surviving Sports Seasons

I should clarify for the sake those who have never met me and have somehow accidentally typed this URL into their browsers... I'm not a sports fan. Sure, I can watch sporting events and get into the spirit if I'm with friends or family, but in general, I never got into them. To use an analogy: Soccer is to Most Americans what Every Sport is to Owen.

But, like a harmless, nerdy Dexter Morgan, I have to find a way to fit in with normal human beings. And every so often, human beings will try to talk to me about sports. Here is the strategy guide I've devised for myself.

1. For those close to you, just be honest.
My friends, family, and coworkers already know my deal. So no worries there. But for everyone else, like acquaintances and strangers trying to make small talk...

2. Don't invite the conversation. If you can help it, just avoid sports. I own exactly one SF Giants shirt (my sister bought it for me). But the only time I DON'T wear it is during baseball season. It's like a signal to the world to quiz me on current events. I don't want to put on a shirt and have to wonder whether I should act excited or disappointed about a game I didn't watch. But, when that conversation is unavoidable...

3. Act upset that you missed the game.Sometimes strangers will ask if I saw the game, and fucking of course I didn't, but rather than kill the small-talk rhythm already set in motion, I say "Nawww, I missed it!" in a tone of voice that says "Darn my luck! Please fill me in on all the exciting details of this, our shared interest." Sports fans like to talk. Sometimes you just gotta let'em talk.

4. Don't joke unless you're ready to argue.
This is the MOST counter-intuitive tip for me. Humor is one of my only tools for engaging people in social settings, especially for breaking the ice in awkward or uncomfortable silence. So during sports-centered gatherings, when I'm at my most awkward and uncomfortable, I am socially unarmed. The reason is this: It's too hard to tell who's a sports fanatic and who's a fucking sports fanatic. Sports has joined politics and religion in the category of things that not everyone can take a joke about.

A few years ago, I once said, half joking, that I'd enjoy seeing the Lakers lose. I was then confronted by a very serious Lakers fan asking for justification. I was caught off guard, because I thought that, in the Bay Area, you don't need a reason to hate the Lakers, it's just understood that they're the villains, like Confederate Soldiers. And beyond that, I just wanted to see the underdog beat the favorite (that's valid, right?), but in that moment, I found myself in a serious argument, hurting someone's feelings about something I really did NOT give a shit about. It's really not AT ALL worth the joke.

Long story short, here I am. The uncomfortable, humorless, enthusiasm-feigning Dexter Morgan of sports. So if you're like me, go forth with this wisdom and quietly blend in.

Go team.