A weird thing happens when you find yourself more alone than you used to be (Weird phrasing, but deliberate. Shut up and humor me.). You turn a lens on yourself in a way you didn't before. People tell me it's a chance to grow, to figure things out. I hope they're right. Because what the fuck else am I gonna do with my time?
It's a messy process. You start with painful questions, but slowly hone in on the more important, more existential, still-painful questions. "Who is going to love me?" becomes "Why would anyone love me?" becomes "What is there to love about me?", and the distinction between those is important. (Eventually the questions devolve into "Oh God, who AM I?" and "WHY IS ANYTHING?!?!?" but let's get back to the love part.)... Because the progression from love to self-love is a crucial, elusive, and maddening step to take.
Self-love has never come to me easily (or at all), but I recognize, objectively, its importance. That said, I've composed a list of the things about me that one could potentially love.
1.) I'm pretty cool once you get to know me.
S'all I have so far. But it's a positive statement that I can say about myself with sincerity. So I guess it's a start. (Nevermind that it's also the cop-out "compliment" that you can also use to describe any asshole friend that your other friends hate.)
And so I finish the post as I finish many other things in life. Inconclusive and confused. There's not always a pretty line to end with, some neat conclusion in summation of victory or defeat. I'm still working on it. I haven't figured it out. And it's possible that I never will. But I should probably keep trying. Because what the fuck else am I gonna do with my time?
Not everyone is as grim as me. If, perhaps, you would like the uplifting counter to this depressing post, you may enjoy this post by my friend Regina.
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